We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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