Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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