Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
