People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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