How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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