Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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