So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize