i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
