Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
