There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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