We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
