i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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