You can't special order awesome
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize