i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
