I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
