Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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