I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
