My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
