You made me cry and you don't even care
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Randomize
