U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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