im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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