omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
