It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
