My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
