I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize