1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
