the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Randomize
