Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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