i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
