Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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