My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
The chlamydia really affected his face.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
