I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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