that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
