Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Randomize
