we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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