I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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