So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
