if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I don't deserve a penis
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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