I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
