So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
