wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize