When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
