woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
