so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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