I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize