Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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