He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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