if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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