your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
