She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Randomize
