just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i wish my penis had a tongue
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
