rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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