i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Floor bacon is actually really good
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
