Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
