Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
