Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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