Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
The chlamydia really affected his face.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
