3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
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