I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize
