I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
