He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
